I used to be adept at autodidacticism, but as I grew older and bitter towards the state of the world and crumbling anonymity, I became utterly depressed, I used to be driven by the obsession of those projects that the few people I trusted to tell were even wary of, and now I have lost the obsession.
I've lost hope for everything I once knew or idealized. I would think improvement would involve moving towards utter abandonment of those preconceptions, but I habitually live in the past, and punish myself for what I am in the present. I'm sort of stuck, like an adolescent searching for a worldview, but that doesn't work, they're grandiose beyond any capability I have to begin such changes. The despair is weight on my body and mind. I'm having trouble deducing by what means I can find a reason to become something that NEEDS knowledge, because realistically I don't, to survive this level of domestication, I need almost no understanding of anything.
Want is not a driving force other than in the materialistic sense in my case. I need to teach myself so much... it's troublesome... I find myself worrying about the pointless things, angry at Kant for saying in general things are unknowable, angry at how stupid the, mostly objects, around me are, and happy to be so, almost wishing for that.
I need to know so much more.... I cannot find the best way to make myself, but I thought, hardware? negative reinforcement? pain, discomfort, something, when I don't learn what I need to learn to do what I need myself to do. How do you escape the thought loop? Has anyone experienced this? what suggestions would you offer even begrudgingly? I cannot figure it out. I went to a psychiatrist recently, after the interview, I got this "you seem to know enough about what you're doing, what do you think would help?" sort of generalized, "I can't bother helping if you already think you know" but it's not like that, if I knew I wouldn't still be going on in this state... I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm not moving forward. I don't want to be watching the telescreen while the world at large is just whatever the telescreen suggests it is, it's terrifying, that thought...